One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
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*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
he looks great for his age
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.