One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
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Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
How it started: How it’s going:
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Favourite diary entry ever
Just the best dancing sandwiches.