One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
You Might Also Like
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
I triple waxed for this?
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”