One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
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Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry