One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
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Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!