One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
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Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Give us this day our daily internet validation
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?