one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
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ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Damn what did I do next
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know