One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
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Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.