one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
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Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.