Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.

9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.

Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?

9: what?

Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?

9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!

Me: are you nervous?

9: stop!!!

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

Always

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

reduce, reuse, recycle

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend