one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
You Might Also Like
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Best table by far
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.