One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
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@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
What a chick magnet..