one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
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[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
why no one uses midhusbands
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥