one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
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Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
What personal space?
My dog