one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
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Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
How I’d get arrested…
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started