@AbbieEvansXO Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
@SteveKoehler22 One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
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@AbbieEvansXO 
@MrGeorgeWallace I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
@HireMeImFunny Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
@Jermaine1st At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
@JohnLyonTweets Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
@SteveMarriott [McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
@pantless_papple [science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
@JimmerThatisAll If you’re testing me, we failed.
@Reverend_Scott Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
@sad_tree PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em