one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
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GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
mechanics be like
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*