One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
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For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Made something I’m not proud of
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.