One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
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why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only