One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
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Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income