Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
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There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.