Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
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What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Extremely relatable.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.