ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
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Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
When ur friends with white people
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Brb my Sims are getting married
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no