Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
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are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.