@IAmYardDad

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

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@olivebeerthanks

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….

@thedad

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

@carlyken

3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once

@noog

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

@PaperWash

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie