Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
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Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA