Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
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Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
an octopus is just a wet spider
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”