Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
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*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.