Only 10 more days til Halloween!
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[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful