Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
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Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
classic mixup
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.