Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
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*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.