Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

My beach vacation Google searches

imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.