Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

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If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.


It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.


Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.


The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.


So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.


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You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.


Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.


It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me