@UnimpressedWU

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

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@Rollinintheseat

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

@AbbyHasIssues

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

@JDBooie

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

@Contwixt

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

@dshack8

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

@Capt_Spanky

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@JonAcuff

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

@Bob_Janke

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

@OakHill_

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me