If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
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You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me