Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
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There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.