Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
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When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.