Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
You Might Also Like
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
what
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.