Only a mother’s love …
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Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
scrabbled eggs
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going