@Ginjarella

Only a mother’s love …

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@Ivsy01

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

@lisaxy424

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

@sweetmomissa

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

@recursivetaco

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

@3sunzzz

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

@DaddyJew

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

@Stellacopter

If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”

@Tmoney68

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

@Cheeseboy22

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

@ceejoyner

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.