only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
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There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch