only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
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I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
This cat wants you to take your pills
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Holy crap this is wonderful
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.