@ThisLocalHater

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

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@Kendragarden

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

@PonyMartini

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

@JoParkerBear

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

@frankzulla

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

@pradogod

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

@CornOnTheGoblin

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

@tarastrong

“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old

@ConanOBrien

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

@hythemafia

Job interview…

Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”

“That’s correct.”

“Would you like to elaborate?”

“No.”