Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
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I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
this has done me in for some reason
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.