Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

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Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.


People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.


I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.


“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming


Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.


We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God


“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old


A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.


Job interview…

Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”

“That’s correct.”

“Would you like to elaborate?”