Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
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On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.