only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
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i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”