@Matt_The_1st

<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!

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@Fred_Delicious

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”

“piles of health that is! LOL”

“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

@RocketRankoon

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

@gogs_shush

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

@thehubrispanda

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

@WilliamAder

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

@cloudypianos

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous