<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
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*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey