Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
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Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer