Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
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genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.