ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
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Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow