Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
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My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.