Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
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Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five