“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
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My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
can I use a minion as a tampon
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Wait a minute…
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere