Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
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If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
nyc:
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
no refunds
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.