Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
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bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?