Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
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I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Have kids, they said
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
new record!
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen