*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

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I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.


There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.


“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?


*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.


COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?


Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.


3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?


1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!


My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*


I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.